Jesus Christ Superstar: Gone Rum
by elfchicks
Summary: A collection of JCS round robins... extremely amusing nonsense. CH. 4 is up. Judas, apparently, has a problem... Not a round robin.
1. Of Busses and Hummers

**Of Busses and Hummers**

_By Sarah and Bethany_

_Covered Round Robin (Meaning we could only see the last few words of what the other person wrote)_

_Italics are Sarah; normal is Bethany_

Once, Jesus was walking along, when he saw Mary eating a cream puff. _He grabbed it, peered at it intently, then chucked it behind him. "Thought you were watching your calories?!" _

"_Stop the bus!" shrieked Judas._ The bus came to an abrupt halt. Judas flew through the windshield. Then, after picking himself up, he went looking for a Dunkin Donut. He found a talking one at a local bakery, _and promptly left because that's just freaky. _

_Meanwhile, Judas and Jesus were still strapped to the top of the out of control bus. _The bus ran into a brick wall and Judas died, but Jesus brought him back to life. Judas was never really the same after that incident. He developed a fascination with flowers. Every time he saw a flowerbed, he had to either roll in it or do the hula. _He chose to do the hula, surprisingly, so they decked him out in drag and cranked up the Hawaiian music. _

"Oh no!" said Jesus. "I can't have Judas obsessed with flowers, Hawaii, and hula dancers! It'll ruin my plan. I have to delay him; I have to distract him! Hmm… Hmm… Ding, ding, ding!"

"It's the old teapot!" cried Judas. "Smash him!"

"_Oh, thank-you for quoting _Thomas and the Magic Railroad_!" said Simon sarcastically. _

_The bus shot off the edge of a 1,000-foot high cliff. _

"Good grief! What's with all the busses?" questioned Jesus.

"What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening!" said Simon.

"Stop saying that!!" ordered Jesus.

"Sorry," said Simon.

"Ahhhhh!" cried Jesus. _"That bus was… was… Mary was on the bus!!" _

"Stop!" yelled Peter. "No more busses!"

"_But…" protested Simon. "He said Mary was on the bus. When it fell." _

"I didn't do it. I didn't do it," said Judas.

"Just smile and wave, boys," instructed Jesus. "Just smile and wave."

"_AHHHHHH!!" shrieked Simon. "I hate that movie."_

_Then Jesus went to the bus-lot and bought a nice, new Greyhound bus. _Then Mary popped out of Simon's pocket. "Hey, Jesus, down here!" she called.

"Aahhhhhhhhhhhh!!" screamed Jesus.

"_Whoo, my ears!" complained Simon. "Warn me next time you decide to scream a high-G!"_

"_Timber!" yelled Caiaphas and Annas, who were cutting firewood in the forest. A tremendous pine landed on Peter's toe._

"_Jesus Christ!" screamed Peter._

"_What?!" questioned Jesus, running up behind him. _

"It's a…" began Caiaphas.

"A fee!" said Annas.

"A fee, nothing more!" finished Caiaphas.

"There he is! Get him!" yelled a nearby fan-girl.

"Oh no!" cried Jesus. "Not again!"

He was mobbed and his sandals confiscated by the fan-girls, _who sold them on eBay for $1,000,000. _

_Suddenly, Jesus' nice, new bus, being driven by a crazed Simon Zealotes, spun a cookie on black ice and shot off another 1,000-foot high cliff. _Then, Simon jumped out the front windshield and deployed his parachute, which he always carried with him, conveniently enough. He floated down to the bottom of the canyon. "I'm lost!" he yelled.

_Jesus came running. "You destroyed my brand-new bus, Simon!" he yelled. "That's almost up there with the Unforgivable Sin!! Well, what have you got to say for yourself?!"_

"Di-dee-di, di-dee-di!" sang Simon.

"What are you singing?" questioned Jesus.

"_Yeah," answered Simon. "Nice, wasn't it?"_

_The next day, Jesus purchased a fully-loaded hummer. _

"_Yeah, this is more like it!" he said, as he drove to the _Dollar Tree

"Aha!" cried Judas from the backseat. "There's a leprechaun!"

"_Yeah, right!" laughed Jesus._

"_No, really!" insisted Judas. "Look!"_

"_Where?" asked Jesus. As he turned to look, an enviro drove by in a hybrid and threw a banana peel out the window. The hummer's front left tire hit the peel and _died.

_Jesus slammed on the breaks, and Judas, who had flunked driver's training and refused to wear a seatbelt, flew through the windshield and skidded down the icy road 546 feet. Jesus put it in park and went to do CPR on an unconscious Judas. _

_The enviro laughed and drove away._

"_Oh, go hug a tree!" yelled Jesus. _

_Suddenly, Simon drove up in an old army jeep and jumped out. _

"Oh man!!" Simon yelled when he saw Judas lying there very still.

"_Yeah, I know," said Jesus, still doing CPR._

"_By the way," said Simon, "did you just see Al Gore drive by throwin' out fruit?!"_

The End_  
_


	2. Annas Gets Jealous of an Old Lady

Simon Zealotes was polishing his new AK-47, when Peter rolled by his window on a skateboard. He was fine, at first, but suddenly, a banana peel (thrown by Al Gore) struck the wheels of the skateboard, sending Peter flying through the air. He landed in a flower pot and got his bum stuck in it.

"A little help?" said Peter, looking at Simon pleadingly.

Simon rolled his eyes and yanked the flower pot off Peter, then tossed it behind him. Unfortunately, it hit the roof support. The heavy stone roof collapsed on Peter and rubble filled the street.

Simon gaped. "Oh man. Well, he's probably dead. Better go get Jesus to bring him back to life…."

"What was _that_??" said Caiaphas, walking up angrily. "Not only have you ruined the street with your faulty architecture design, but you mentioned that abhorrent name! Well, what have you got to say for yourself?!"

"Nothing, you psycho!" shouted Simon. He grabbed a banana (that he conveniently had in his pocket) and squeezed it so hard that it shot out of the peel and into Caiaphas' mouth. He then smashed the peel onto Annas' bald head.

"Ahhhhhh!" shrieked Annas, swiping at the peel.

Meanwhile, Jesus had extricated Peter from the rubble and was busy reviving him.

"A dead guy!" shrieked some random old lady, jumping into Caiaphas' arms.

"Enough of this nonsense!" squeaked Annas. "I'm the only one allowed to do that!!"

Caiaphas dropped the lady and brushed himself off ceremoniously. "Keep that little 'incident' out of the record," he ordered the scribes.

James laughed heartily and said, "What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happening. What's the buzz? Tell me what's—"

"Aughhhhh! Not that song!" Jesus screamed and vacated the premises as fast as a fish in a fish-tank can hide behind a rock.


	3. Judas Plays King Kong

**Judas Plays "King Kong"****…**

_Sarah & Bethany_

_A/N: Another covered round robin. Italics are Sarah; normal is Bethany._

"_Hold the door! Hold the door!" screamed Judas. One of the occupants of the elevator pressed the button to stop the closing doors. Judas rushed in and nodded at them gratefully. The elevator descended. _

When it stopped, Judas came up with the marvelous idea of springing out at anyone who was waiting for the elevator and yelling "Boo!" He smiled smugly to himself as the doors began to open. He dropped into a crouch, gritted his teeth, and sprung onto an unsuspecting… Mary Magdalene!

"Hey!" cried Jesus, who was standing a few feet from Mary. "Get off my girl!"

Judas had landed on Mary's stomach, subsequently knocking the wind out of her. She stared up at him with angry eyes.

_Judas chose this moment to make his exit. Running outside, he hailed a taxi. "Empire State Building, on ze double!" he said to the turbaned driver._

"_Okay, falucahaja!" responded the driver._

"Wow, weird," said Judas.

So he took a trip downtown to the Empire State Building. Climbing as far as the stairs allowed, he opened a window and scaled a couple of ladders till he was on the very top, next to the radio antenna. "Wow, those people down there look like ants," said Judas, in awe.

Suddenly, Simon Zealotes appeared out of nowhere and shoved Judas off.

_As Judas flew downwards, gaining velocity, he noticed that the people below who had before looked like ants were growing larger by the second. Then he saw Jesus on the ground holding a fireman trampoline. _

"Don't worry, Judas," yelled Jesus. "I gotcha!"

_Just then, Caiaphas and Annas strolled by, on their way to bother Pilate, who was sunbathing at the Roman spa. Suddenly, Annas noticed something… "What's that?" he asked. _

"_What?" said Caiaphas, looking around._

"_There," responded Annas, pointing up. _

"_Hmm…," said Caiaphas. "Looks like a falling star. It must be a sign!"_

_Judas was still falling. Meanwhile, Jesus was busily trying to judge exactly where his plummeting disciple would hit the ground. _

"_It's not a star," said Annas, squinting. "It's a dude." _

"_Why, you're right," admitted Caiaphas, shading his eyes. "I dare say it looks like__…__ Judas!"_

"_HELLLLPPPPPPPPPPPP!!" screamed Judas, still falling._

"_Man, he's been falling for a long time," said Simon, suddenly appearing beside Jesus._

"_Hey, didn't _you _push him off, Simon?" questioned Jesus. "How did you get down here before him?!"_

_Simon shrugged. "We're in a psycho story. Stuff like that happens."_

_Caiaphas, Annas, Simon, and Jesus stood looking up__…__ Caiaphas began tapping his foot impatiently. _

_Finally, Judas was so close they could see— But it was already too late by then. Splat! And that was the end of Judas. _

"_Oh man," said Jesus, dragging his feet over to the pile of Judas. "What will this be? The seventh time now?" He leaned down and touched the icky stuff while Caiaphas, Annas, and Simon gawked. _

"_Uh," said Caiaphas, "you can't do that! It's the__…__uh__…__the second Saturday of the month of April. No healings on the second Saturday of the month of April. And no exceptions!"_

"_It's Tuesday," said Jesus, not looking up. _

"_Oh__…__quite right!" said Caiaphas. "Must have last year's calendar up at the temple or something. Actually, I just remembered that it's—" But his second protest was already too late._

_Suddenly, Judas was lying there looking heaps better than a big splat on the pavement. He slowly got up, rubbing his head, then looked at Jesus, at Caiaphas and Annas__…__and at Simon. "Simon! You idiotic jerk!!" he screeched, rushing at Simon. "Why the heck would you push me off the Empire State Building?!"_

"_Because I wanted to," replied Simon, shoving Judas back onto his rear. _

"_Ouch," said Judas, scowling. _

"_Stop fighting," ordered Jesus. "No harm done, right, Judas?"_

"_But he still has no right to kill me!" protested Judas, getting up angrily._

"_Quite right," Jesus agreed. "Simon, stop killing Judas__…__" _

_Caiaphas and Annas, miffed that Jesus kept performing miracles in public, continued on their way to Pilate with one more juicy tidbit to report. _

_The End_


	4. Judas' Problem

**Judas' Problem  
**_Aranel Carnilino; 2008_

"Okay, that's just sick!" remarked Caiaphas. He was referring to the fact that this was the fifth time this week he would be required to replace his windows. Every time Judas came within a hundred feet of the house and sang, all the glass in the house simultaneously shattered. Not only was this bothersome, but it meant that all the bugs could get in and the glass shards landed everywhere – in coffee, tea, plants, flour – you name it! And it was so hard to fish the shards out afterward because they were almost invisible. After his fourth helping of glass shard pancakes, Caiaphas was determined to fix the problem once and for all.

There were a few options to do so. First, he could have Judas assassinated. That would do the trick, but then, that's what he always did, and besides, Judas was proving quite useful as a spy at the moment (except that every time he came back to report on Jesus, Caiaphas' windows shattered).

Well, he could arrange that Judas have singing lessons. That might work. Even a little improvement would help. So it was decided. Caiaphas wrote a letter to a nearby opera house and had it delivered post-haste. Then he had another letter personally delivered to Judas by his guards.

As expected, Judas initially refused the invitation, but the guards hauled him off to the opera house anyway. Judas kicked and screamed, and shattered all glass in a radius of three miles, but they finally reached their destination.

"Ah... good lad," said the vocal instructor, Ms. Anna Thornton. Judas was tied securely into one of the theatre chairs. "Now, sing this note, please." She played a middle C on the piano.

"No," said Judas adamantly. "I won't."

The big, burly guards growled at him.

"The sooner you cooperate, the sooner you get out of here," said one of the more diplomatic ones.

"Fine," said Judas. "Here goes: aaaaaaaaaaaAAAAaaaHHHaAHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Help! Lemme out!" shrieked the instructor, her glasses shattering violently. When all had calmed down, she removed her wire rims and set them on top of the piano. "My, my..." she sighed. "You're probably the only person I know who can break glass with a middle C."

Judas grinned. "Thank-you. Jesus tried to give me lessons one time, too, but it didn't help."

"Poor Jesus," commented the instructor.

"How dare you sympathize with _him_!" snarled a guard.

"Oh, sorry," apologized Ms. Thornton. "I meant: serves him right for thinking he could teach you anything!"

"That's better," said the guard, appeased.

"Now, Judas dear," continued the teacher, "how about we work on that C of yours, shall we?"

Judas shrugged, inwardly smirking.

"Alright, so watch me." She sang a pristine note ending in a flawless vibrato. "Now, you try. Sing softly and purely, understand?"

"Okay," agreed Judas. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Much better!" chirped Ms. Thornton, mopping sweat off her forehead with the edge of her frilly skirt.

By now, the guards had tapered candles plugged into their ears.

"How about a little… quieter?" suggested the teacher. "Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!" she sang softly.

"Oh, come on!" protested Judas. "What's the point of singing if no one can hear you?! How about this? Do, re, me, fa…" he started quietly, then edged into "SO! LA! TI! Do! YaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Ms. Thornton came out from under the piano bench and pried her hands away from her ears one by one. "Oh my. Well, perhaps you just need better content to sing. Why don't you sing what you were going to tell Caiaphas?!"

Judas shrugged. "Alright. Why not? Ahem…"

"Very quietly, please?" added the teacher. She cringed expectantly as Judas opened his mouth to sing.

"I'm sure that He's onto your plot.

"But the rest are a thick-headed lot.

"It seems what they've heard.

"Sounds just slightly absurd.

"So they'll all be surprised when He's caught.

"You ask how He knows that He's done?

"Well, it ain't that He's ready to run.

"But He acts real depressed.

"Like I said, just a guess.

"His allusions are second to none!"

"You sing in…limericks?!" questioned the teacher incredulously, smoothing her hair back down.

"Not all the time, but it's more fun than what everybody else usually sings," answered Judas. "Can I go now?"

"Well," replied Ms. Thornton, "I must say that you've improved quite a bit… We, uh, can just call it a day, alright, dear?" She quickly grabbed a slip of paper and began scrawling a note to Caiaphas. Handing it to the guards, she patted "poor Judas" and bid him adieu.

The guards untied Judas and flung him out the door.

"Caiaphas expects your report first thing in the morning," said one, gruffly. "Don't be late."

Judas thumbed his nose at them as they were leaving and smirked. Finally! What was the big deal anyway? So what if he shattered all glass within a vicinity of three miles? Glass was cheap enough to replace. He smirked again. He'd show ol' Caiaphas a thing or two. He'd show him.

- - - - - - -

"Hey, how'd it go?" asked Jesus, smiling disarmingly. All the other disciples were sprawled out around the red, smoldering embers of the fire, snoring away peacefully. The stars and moon were bright and cheery and there was a sweet, cool breeze stirring.

Judas grimaced. He could never sneak up on Jesus. It never worked. "Huh? How did you know about that?" _Not fair._

Jesus shrugged. "Uh… Matthew's glasses shattered again. And we kind of heard high-pitched 'do, re, me, fa, so, la, ti'-ing. I put two and two together."

"I was forced, I tell you! They kidnapped me!"

"Did the lessons do any good?"

"No," said Judas firmly. "I can sing just fine without them telling me how." And he was gonna pay out Caiaphas for good in the morning. _Nobody crosses Judas and gets away with it. Nobody._

"Hmmm," Jesus mused, laying back down, arms crossed behind his head. "Well I'm gonna try to get some sleep. Big week ahead of us, you know."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," muttered Judas. Oh, he knew. They both knew. And yet Jesus was so cool about it.

Jesus laughed softly. "Sit down, Judas. You're making me nervous."

Judas sat. He grabbed some bread out of the disciples' haversack and began chewing thoughtfully. The other guys were all fast asleep. Man, if someone tried to assassinate Jesus, they wouldn't be much use anyway. They probably wouldn't even notice till the next morning. Just a bunch of lummoxes. Probably didn't even know how to use a weapon. Finishing his bread, Judas laughed to himself and lay down on the soft, fresh grass, bunching it up under his head for a pillow. Camping. So much fun. He stared at the deep blue, starry sky till he finally nodded off.

- - - - - - -

The next morning, Judas was up before everyone, except Jesus, who was gone. Where, he didn't know. Oh well. Judas sneaked away from camp and raced to Caiaphas' luxurious house. The windows were sparkly clean and looked brand new. Judas walked over and read the tiny sticker in the lower right-hand corner of one: custom-made Plexiglass. Looking down, he saw a business card on the ground that someone had apparently dropped. He quickly picked it up and read it. "Have a Judas in your life?" read the bold bottom line. "Well, you don't have to live with shattered windows anymore! Call Ezekiel's Plexiglass and Window Repair today!" Judas shredded the card. He would see if stupid, stinky Plexiglass would stop him. It was time for a dawn chorus.

Caiaphas was, undoubtedly, still asleep. Judas began to warm up. "Me, me, me, me…" The windows shook threateningly. He did a Mexican r-trill. "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Caiaphas came to his French windows on the second floor, puzzled, and saw Judas. He quickly pulled the windows open and began gesturing and yelling frantically. Judas ignored him. And began to sing…

"I love you, you love me. We're a happy family—"

"Noooooooooooooooooo!!" Caiaphas shrieked.

"—WITH A GREAT BIG HUG AND A KISS FROM ME TO YOU!!—"

The windows rattled violently.

"Please, I beg of you!!" Caiaphas pleaded.

Judas only went up two octaves. "—WOOOOOOOOON'T YOOOOOOOOOU SAAAAAAAY YOOOOOOOU LOOOOOOOOVE MEEEEEEEEEE, **_TOOOOOOOOOOOOO_**?!"

All of the amazingly sturdy, custom-made, 50,000-dollar Plexiglass windows in the house simultaneously shattered with a deafening report. Caiaphas stood there at his Plexiglass-less window, concurrently wringing his hands, scowling and growing bright red.

Judas grinned. _Whew, that last note might've topped a High-C_. He bowed, ignoring Caiaphas' "interpretive dance of the exasperated dude" thingy, and strolled away, back to camp.

- - - - - - -

When he arrived, the disciples were all up, but looking extremely frazzled. Jesus was still gone.

"Hey, Judas," said Matthew, holding up a pair of cracked glasses. "Did you hear that…erm… noise a few minutes ago?"

"It was really creepy," put in John, who was folding up all the bedding. "Kind of like a cougar screeching or a Vampire Bat or something."

"Or a missile," added Simon. "You know, the high-pitched whooshing noise you hear just before you get hit?"

Judas rubbed the back of his neck. "Uh…no. Nope. Didn't hear it. How loud was it?"

"Loud," answered four disciples in unison. They looked at each other strangely.

"Hmm… weird," said Judas. "Sorry about your glasses though, Matthew."

"S'okay," replied Matthew. "But if this keeps up, I'm switching to contacts. At least plastic doesn't shatter like that."

Judas suppressed a wicked grin. _Doesn't it?_

**The End**


End file.
